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 Back to my ranting channel after a long long hiatus..

I gotta admit, I'm in a big pile of mess right now, which I proudly created for myself.
I'm still in the midst of clearing it up, its just all messed up. 

I know, I should just look for a way to clear it up since I got myself into it the first place... But.. I don't know y, I'm looking for LOADS of excuses, loads of it, to just sit in it and not move an inch. 

HAhaha.. the irony of life. 
Hopefully things will take a better turn the next time I pen sth down..

Chaoz!

gotta hold myself together

Gosh... can't even remember when was the last time I got so pissed!

Gah.. I hate being threatened, being compared, being with people who can't make up their mind.
Fickle minded-ness is a pain!! Super PAIN!!

I used the be the accomodative nature of letting the other party and decide slowly and come back to me with an answer. I used to be less concern of how things might impact me if the other party makes a different decision from what I planned. I used to just let others decide my life. THAT WAS ALL THE PAST!

I'm itching to get out of this kind of life~! >.< I'm sick of being manipulated, being treated like a puppet, being pushed around.... HELP!!!

I've thought of moving out of the house. Things hasn't been good, I gotta admit, I've been rude, I've been really straight forward, I've been very agitated nowadays to everyone around me, especially when the stress level is increasing, I'm being compared and being expected to strive through all the challenges. IT IS TAKING A TOLL ON ME!

I'm drowning in my own unhappiness. Yes.. I know very well, its a state of mind that would change the outlook of things, yet... I choose not to...I just wanna be myself.
Why should I live my life to suit others? Its so hard...22 years (erm, I mean probably 15 years of life since i really have memory) of living in other's eyes... I'm so SIEN!

I need to be my own driver. I wanna be behind the steering wheel. I wanna have my own say. Is it too much to ask for? Yes. the way I act now.. Is someone whom I'm totally unfamiliar with.. yet.. its the true self that I've been surpressing.

I just become very direct in my words... I just say wat comes to my mind... I just wanna let MY nature take its course.

p/s: if u wanna be childish.. It has got nothing to do with me! fine.. I won't have to do things FOR u...

A week of Many 1sts....

Woho!!!

After such a long hiatus from my blog.. its time that I update this poor thing.
So full of cob webs and dust... gah.. my typing is also getting so rusty!!!

My oh my... its already the final month of 2009.. can't wait to usher the new year 2010. 2009 just passed me by with many memories, whether its sweet, bitter, fun, happy, sad experiences. Will try to squeeze in time to blog about that by the end of this year. Hahaha...

ok... back to my main theme of this blog post...
well.. the week that was... here goes..

Family
1st --> mum being presented an award by S'gor Sultan at Palace
1st --> mum went to Taiwan for her prayers
1st --> went lunch with grams and couzies
1st --> breeze walking with grams and couzi zu er
1st --> Couzi Xing Kang lost his phone (kesian)
1st --> pasar malam with couzi zu er and bro
1st --> see dad in songkok (haha... very malay-ish)

Work
1st--> meeting up with Jackson and project team
1st --> Boss requested for purchase of wine
1st --> of the 4 consecutive Fridays which are PUBLIC HOLIDAYS
1st --> went to work on a public holiday (DEFINITELY GONNA BE MY LAST TIME DOING SO! ;p)
1st --> bumped into Shereen in office on a PUBLIC HOLIDAY
1st --> Lillian came to my office to pass me stuffs with her mum, sis and sis's bf
1st --> entire week which I had lunch in office (I used to go out everyday... Hahaha, a lil lazy for the end of the year)

Social/ Friends/others
1st --> attended Siew May's church wedding
1st --> met a few SCB employees
1st --> went bukit taboh with Meng How, Ping Wei, Jin Yong, Ping PIng & bf and Ker Sheng (Smashing!!! gotta say its the toughest hike I ever experienced!) -- a feat wei.. all of us were up SO SO early!!!
1st --> Jalan Ipoh Dim Sum! NYUM! Thanks Ping Wei
1st --> Dinner with Wen Yaw (I owe him that for helping me with my car... bugger.. batt died on me! Boohoo)
1st --> went level 2 class
1st --> went class ALONE but got to kacau Yinzz and Fian.... met new ppl too! (was embarrassed to be late for class though... got caught in a spot. ;P)

Fuh... I tot i wanted to elaborate more... oh well.. Hhahaha.... I guess its brief enough n to the point la. Wahahahha...
Just a simple summary of the weekend I would cherish!! Yay!
I just realised, Its kinda funny, but all 3 categories has 7 1sts!!!
Note: I didn't do it on purpose k... just let my thought flow. Muahahah...
Okie.. gotta sign off for now... will revisit this blog by the end of the year.. I PROMISE!

Dedicated to you...

I wonder why you seem so down... Not knowing wat struggle you're going thru... I wish, I could help u erase the painful memories that u seem so eager to rid off. You would have been wondering, would things be different? could it have turned out differently?

We don't know, and we won't ever know, as we've crossed our path, we will still remain in touch, but knowing you seem much more distant. I could hear, I could feel, there seems to be sth that is stopping our communication.

I apologise for what had happened b4.. I'm just glad we're still in contact... I wish... we could be the same. :)

To the special u... All would be better... Cheer up!

Surprises...

Its been a month, I must declare... I've gone on 2 trips, one local and one overseas trip
Even my colleagues were teasing me on going away in such short period of time.

2 holidays in less than 30 days... gosh... can u imagine that, for a workaholic like me...commonly known as "sieworkaholic", to take time off..

The local trip to Tioman was a 4 day 3 night diving trip, and yeah... u got it right.. I'm a certified diver as of now...

While the overseas trip to China was a one week holiday!! Wow... this is SO unbelievable... Its been awhile since I last gave myself some space for a breather before getting back to my work, it certainly acts as a recharge to my dull life.

Hhahaaa... to add on to it, I've passed my first level paper, another surprise for myself, as I was burning the midnight oil, studying at the eleventh hour for this exam, in which I promised myself, not to repeat the same mistake and procrastinating nature for the coming papers.

I'm also off my braces now... YIPPEEE!!! *wink wink* hahahha.. no more metal pieces stuck to my teeth.. Nyahahhaha...Next I'll need to do some plastic surgery wei to look more photogenic... *ahahahhahah, jkjk....* as if i'll ever be photogenic.

Lalala...going off for now.. no mood to be philosophical...

Impermanence of life...

This post goes out to u. so who is this "u" i'm referring to... u would know yourself when u read it.
Its specifically to u buddy. I hope you'll stand up strong and cheerfully embrace life that will be laid in front of you when u move forward.

I have this burning question, what is the most important thing one should pursue in life?
Is it family? career? money? relationship? self fulfilment? detachment?

These are just a few answers that would generally pop up, and it is important to realise that life changes course all the time, with many factors contributing to the change, ultimately its how you manage it with the right attitude.
Ok, what is important to us changes at every phase of life. my question is directed at this phase of life where my peers and I are going through, some of us are in the midst of completing their studies, some working, some already married with kids, some are soul searching etc.

Now coming back to my thoughts, why the sudden question on what one would like to achieve in life? Its because of the differing goals of 2 people that resulted in the ending of one of my buddy's relationship. It just occured to me, is it true that when u n your partner, when you can't compromise each other, can't accept that he/she is allocating less time for u, that it signifies that you are no longer who he/she loves? I beg to differ on this point.

I've heard of 2 stories, one from my guy buddy who is now hurt, but putting up a strong face in front of me, and the other from my gal buddy, who is only hanging on to the relationship for the very fact of dependance.

For my guy buddy, he is focusing on building up a career, to ensure a better future with his gal. He took the effort to communicate to his other half regarding this, which would require her to be patient as his main aim is to succeed in career by suffering now and enjoying the fruit of his hardship later in life with his beloved one. However, by doing so, his other half  decided to give up on him. He was devastated, they've been together for quite a while, but... things took such a turn just because he is pursuing his career and had to sideline her. the obvious difference here is that his goal now is his career, but her goal now is her life with him, this contrasting goal in life came with a price, ie. the ending of the relationship.

For my gal buddy, she is complaining about her guy not spending enough time with her... which gave her the feeling of being neglected. No doubt, gals like the idea of being around with their loved one, it is important to note that both guy and lady should come to a middle ground where things can be sorted out, it doesn't mean you must sacrifice certain things to make the other happy, it simply means, agreeing to an acceptable amount of time you allocate for each other, while understanding the other commitments that your 2 have, especially our careers at this point in time. Communicating clearly of your needs to your other half would also cut down the ambiguity that lies in your relationship, its not worth being too floweryl in your conversation with your special him/her, sometimes telling it directly but subtly would do the magic. Instead of you getting frustrated over he/she not understanding you, why not just lay your cards clearly on the table for he/she to see?

Buddy, all I can say is... I know you are disappointed, you are hurt, but know that making a decision in life always comes with consequences, I believe she would come to realise one day that you are doing this for the betterment of everything.
Its a suffering period for you now, you will eventually stand up on your feet and achieve more miracles in life than you ever could. I've always had the faith in you to make a difference, this is just a hurdle that you'll eventually overcome. Cheers buddy! It will all be fine. :)

迷茫...

现在的我,处于一个很迷茫的时候,我失去了方向,虽然我依旧完成我的本分,但这并不是我自己,我,迷路了。

 

目标?我曾经有过,我为何会堕入这局面?我没有答案。唯有寻找并填补自己心灵缺少的那一块。到底是怎么了?

 

哎!无能形容。


Lunchtime...

Allocating some time to myself during lunch hour on a weekday, its funny that I'm still in front of the pc and not resting or out spending time with my colleagues. Haha. once in a while having some peace for the mind wouldn't hurt. ^__^

Its been a while, and I've been in a very procrastinating mode, guess this has always been me... lazing and wasting time. ;p

Never had the mood to do anything, dragging myself around like a zombie... blank! hahaaa....

weird la.. but don't care.. lazy... ^@^

oh still got 20min for me to refresh myself b4 work starts... rather pen down my thoughts nex time then. Hehe!
tata..

reflections

Looking back at the 7 months that I've been attached, it seems like time have been passing by so quickly that I ain't aware of changes that have been occurring.

It seems weird, though I like a fast paced life, but whenever I slow down the steps to turn around to reflect on the experiences of mine throughout the period, I tend to feel like I've missed out a lot of meaningful parts of life, that could have made my life more colourful.

You see, probably if I could have took the extra time to get to know someone, spend more time with the people I care, think twice before I make any decision, to appreciate the special moments of life, things could have been different.

But as the saying goes, like what my colleague mentioned, we are living a purpose driven life, everything we do, there is always a reason behind supporting it, so... wth... cut the thinking after some liquor... blame mh for getting me into this state of mind. hahahaha.,..
he is reading this while I'm typing it... there goes his "hwa....".... hahahha...

Anyways, its been awhile since I last updated this poor secluded spot of mine..guess I shall revisit it when I have more interesting thoughts to pen down, as for now, adios! I shall plan ahead for my longer weekend, though its not gonna be as long as I want it to be!!

Tata!!! poor blog, I shall be MIA for awhile till I finish my exams!!

p/s Shucks... I'm still out la.. time to oi oi liao..mh... =.=''' u gonna get it from me!!

looking back...

It is coming up to a month since we bid goodbye to the year 2008, here I am, taking some timeout from my report writing to relook the memories captured last year.

2008, a year that was full of ups and downs, a year where I realise a lot of things in life, a period that had a very lasting impact in almost every part of me. I must say it wasn't a smooth ride, it is a year that I'm OFFICIALLY and LEGALLY recognised as an adult, but there are so many intangible and indescribable experience that has made its mark in my small lil mind.

I made a lot of mistakes, mistakes that I may not be able to forgive myself for, mistakes that I have to pay for in the future, mistakes that I swear I wouldn't repeat.

I changed jobs, stepped out from some people's life, shy-ed away from certain unwanted arguments that are left in the freezer till an uncertain future, went thru 2 traumatizing events and many more. Though all these may seem like a usual part of life that one would go through, I reckon that it were significant events that would be sealed in my memories forever.

I'm still learning and growing up, struggling nad stumbling upon life's very miracles and disappointments, but I'm glad that I'm surrounded by caring family and friends whom I can count on, and I believe the year 2009 would be a more interesting one! :)

I may have started this post on an emo note, do allow me to sign it off with a positive touch! As I have always been the person who believes in the silver lining.  Cheers to all, and I may not update till after CNY! Gong Xi Fa Cai!

p/s thx to all who visited me at the hospital! :) Love you all!